you should smile more

I got to put one of the toughest years at work behind me today. With my annual review I finally get to close that chapter and move forward on the new one. It wasn't my best review by any means and I knew that was coming. I worked hard ran a good store but fell short in some other areas.

I can't tell you how many times I have heard you need to smile more and until recently I never understood why that was the term that always got used.  I thought it was stupid when I would be told that because no one helped me figure out what it meant and I never took responsibility for it or tried to really change it. I figured if I just walked around smiling more it would be fake and that would be worse and it probably would have been. It has taken me years to see what it really means and figure out how to work that into my life. When people say smile more it is probably the easiest way for them to say you don't make them feel good.  It is really about how you make other people feel and not at all about the look on your face. If I take more time to connect with a person the look on my face will matter less.

Please direct all questions about that hairstyle to my mother. That face though is all me.  I have been making that face from whatever age that is to now. So probably a good 30 years of working on that. It probably won't be leaving me any time soon.  Hard to say why I had that face that day but there are plenty of other memories and photos with that face. I know why I make it most days now. It is because I just don't get why you did the thing you did. It is like a cartoon computer there should be a thought bubble above my head,  "does not compute, does not compute". I am easily irritated. It really is one of my biggest flaws. I work on it constantly.  Deep breaths before I talk and learning to let things go is helping but, I still make that face on days when I have had enough. If that was all I had to work on it might be easier.

Problem is I am also deathly afraid of disappointing people. I care a lot about what other people think. I try to figure out what their expectations are of me and I try to put myself in that or avoid situations when I think I can't meet their expectations. I have a lot of anxiety about this. It has caused me to be even more of an introvert than I am naturally. I would love to be the more outgoing one at a party that could strike up a conversation but fear always gets in the way. I plan out great conversations and always feel so confident and then I end up in the corner talking to the people I know already.

With all of that it sometimes amazes me that I have made it this far in a career that requires me to talk most of the day and to interact with a few hundred people a week at a company that is known for its fun and helpful employees. It has not been easy but it has certainly forced me to grow. Just when I think I have had enough and want to throw in the towel I learn something else and I am back at it trying to improve. This cycle has provided me with 10 years of very rewarding work and has challenged me more than I ever thought a retail job could.

So today when I go to work I will be putting one foot in front of another and trying to put in practice what I started to figure out. I don't have to actually smile constantly, though that couldn't hurt, I need to make them feel like I am smiling more even if I physically am not. And now I will be taking suggestions on how to do exactly that...kidding, I already have some ideas. But if you have more please add them I can you all the help you have to offer. Are you ready for how to make people feel happy without smiling?

1. be vulnerable and let them into your world
2. make an effort to be a part of theirs
3. say positive things

1. I have to go to work today and be vulnerable. This is by far the scariest one for me. I am so self-conscious that I hate talking about me. I am certain no one is really interested they are just asking to be nice. Reality is they are asking because they have to work with me and they want to be able to connect in some way. If they can't find that common ground the jumping off point for forging a relationship a healthy relationship will probably never develop. Even after typing that the thought makes my skin crawl and all I can think is what if they don't like me.

2. Very similar to number one, I have to find out what makes them tick so I can find a way to relate to them that will make a real connection. Everyone is different and prefers a different style boss. The good boss or leader makes an effort to adjust to their preference and doesn't expect them to adjust to his/hers all the time. I have not been that person. I used to try and make sure I knew a handful of non-work-related things about each person I worked with. With the added responsibility and expectations I lost that. I just stopped doing it and didn't realize until it was too late. I stopped asking about their lives and only talked about work and what we needed to do to improve. So back at it I go.

3. You can't make someone feel like they have been smiled at if you are constantly talking about negative topics. I was given a leadership reading a few years ago about the need to fill peoples buckets with positives before you need to talk about a negative. It was an excerpt from the book How Full is Your Bucket. I read it and forgot it. I have not put in the effort to make enough people know how much I appreciate them or say enough of the positive things I think. I know it works though because the ones that I have made the effort with have told me how it has effected them. So more genuine positive comments it is.

Here is the kicker the more I do these things with people the more I find I am naturally smiling. If I can get out of my own way I will be really good at this.

What do you need to improve? Do you smile all the time?